Tuesday, October 9, 2007

PAPA


ang HIRAP talaga ng di nagkakaintindihan... eversince the world began ata... hindi na talaga kami fit na magkasama ng TATAY ko... iba siya talaga... ibang iba... wala na ata talaga kaming chance na maging maayos... kung tatanungin nio ko ngayon kung anu ang status ng relationship ko with him...wala, wala lang talaga... walang pakiramdam, BLANKO, yung para bang di kami nageexist maguusap lang kung kailangan at for the sake of talking lang madalas nga na wala lang talaga! manhid na lang talaga siguro ako... eh panu ba naman kasi sa dami na ata ng SAPOK, MURA, SAMPAL hanggang sa PAGTAKONG nia sakin eh naranasan ko sa kanya...hehe dahil na rin sa mga bagay na madalas naming napagtatalunan mula ata sa mga MAGAZINES at CD (ng pornarnia) hanggang sa pagiging BADING ng lola nio eh wala siang pinalampas. NAGREREBELDE ba ko? wit ko knows baka kasi I NEVER FELT na andun sia... na ININTINDI NIA KO at na naging PROUD SIA SAKIN... OA man pero never talaga! haha...nakakatawa pag naiisip ko na gagraduate na ko at mukhang di ko sia MAPAPASALAMATAN haha! ang sama ko ba?! hindi nia kasi... ahh basta ang hirap iexplain... marami kasing nangyari samin na parang hindi nia ata na gets na di maganda ang ipekto sakin, for example... dahil sa isang bagay na wiz ko na remember kung about san ang pagtatalo namin eh nasabi nia sakin na: "INIHI LANG KITA..." - diba? parang linya lang sa TELENOVELA haha! nasasaktan ako kasi ang MAMA ko wala, para kahit papano eh may depensahan ako... nakakapagod na kasi... ang level na parang ayaw mo ng umuwi kasi alam mo may chance talagang magtatalo lang kayo... hindi din naman ako mabuting anak... MASAMA nga ako kung titingnan...BOBO, SAKIM at BASTOS nga daw ako sabi nia eh... pero minsan gusto ko rin kasi na malaman nia kung bat ako nagkaganito, anung dahilan, kung bakit ko ginagawa ang mga ito...it hurts me rin naman eh...naalala ko tuloy un mga PTA meetings na wit nia pinuntahan only MAMA or KATULONG ang nakikila ng mga teachers ko, mga PLAYS at EVENTS na pinagpupuyatan ko na ilbis kamustahin nia kung anu ang nangyayari eh iisipan nia lang ako na nanlalaki...at pati... haha naalala ko pa talaga at never ko atang mafoforget nung 4th year HS ako tumawag pa ng PALIHIM ang adviser ko- in short SECRET ITO/SURPRISE, para sabihin sa tatay ko na kailangan niang gumawa ng letter for me for RETREAT, um-oo naman si pudang pero ng makababa na ang telepono...tinawag ako at sinabing: "UY KUHA KA NG PAPEL SULATAN MO SARILI MO TAPOS PIRMAHAN KO NALANG PARA SA RETREAT NIO DAW SABI NG MAM MO..." kalaoka diba? sabi ko nalang na dapat sia... ng gabi ng RETREAT ay ayun buong HOPE ko na meron me sulat from him ayun wala... ako lang ang walang natanggap from parents... buti nalang nakausap ko si KAZIN KIN para gawan ako, para kahit papano meron akech... ayun buong gabi ako nagcrayola sa kwarto... sad... sad...



hay... basta gusto ko lang na HAYAAN na nia ko... I KNOW I KNOW kaya ko siguro nasasabi ang ganito dahil emosyonal lang me at balang araw PAGSISISIHAN ko rin ito= well please hayaan nio nalang dumating ang TIME na yon, sa ngayon kasi this is what i feel... ang sama sama ng loob ko sa kanya... SOBRA! hehe...kaloka!





anu ba yan NEVR ko naisip na masasabi ko at maisheshare ko toh haha...
bet ko kasi talaga na maging KRIS A. iopen ang BUHAY sa lahat...
ay... before i forgot...tinatype ko to habang nagtatalo kami...SAYA...ang SAYA talaga!

24 comments:

yuriki.kun said...

I definitely know what you mean.

kami yata ng tatay ko never na magiging at peac sa isa't isa. pero it's not about me being gay - maraming bagay lang talagang nangyari samin at sa pamilya ko.

sinasabi nila, tatay ko pa rin siya.

pero, i just can't accept that. Feel ko nga curse yung dugo niya ang dumadaloy sa kin e.

hay, masama ito.
negative thoughts na naman.

JOSH said...

jhey,jhey, wawa naman kanaman. Buti you have this blag to rant about it! Don't worry, hirap talaga pag may bawat family na ang separated parents (tama ako d2 ryt?) Mabuti u still have ur valuable friends with u! (hi mga ustenians!) TCU!

kalansaycollector said...

ay nakakaiyak yung sa retreat. wala akong masabi.

mrs.j said...

yuriki kun

hay... actually its more than me being gay talaga... kainis

mrs.j said...

josh..

welll my friends nga is my family... i still have my kapatids din

mrs.j said...

kalansay

forever na laban!

aj sotteau said...

ate di ko kinaya yang post mo..ako kasi wit naman ako itay kaya never kong na-feel yan..yung lolo ko naman asar yun sabi "uuy, dalaga na apo ko" ..hahaha..one day for sure marerealize din ni pudang yung importance mo..

Kiks said...

Maraming ganyan ang moda sa pamilyang Pilipino na merong dalagang bukid: Father awards son for being gay. Son fights back. Enmity ensues for a long period of time.

I feel for you. While I didn't experience it, my diche (2 kaming dinggerz sa familia) experienced the same thing.

Bata ka pa. Learn to reason out. Eventually, the contradictions will heighten, denouement comes. Enlightenment and realization follow way way after...

Kissers from HK!

Nasa pinas pala ako next week. Sana makita ko kayong lahat.

mrs.j said...

aj... tnx ateng..pero kung marerealize nia? i doubt...

mrs.j said...

kiksi,

hehe nagulat me na napost ko at nashare ko sa inio ito.,,,
salamat sa advise pero 2 b honest wit na ko care tlga... pagod narin lola mo... iniintindi ko nalang... mahirap magpalaki ng magulang... haha!

sure.. wen ka manila?! gimik na tayo ate.. contact me nlang...

ruff nurse-du-jour said...

i think this case stems out from our societal *intolerance and the typical "patriarchal hate for a gay son."

iba-iba kasi ang timpla ng mga tatay sa kontekstong pinoy. on the most extreme level, having a gay son could be considered any among these 2. #1: the child will be considered as a reflection of self, hence anger is directed toward the gay son instead of "the self." OR #2. complete acceptance of the gay son, respecting his sexual preference and decisions in life.

sa pinas, mas uso ang #1. tingin ng mga tatay eh kamalian nila o kasalanan nila ang pagiging bading ng kanilang mga anak. isa itong malaking hambalos sa kanilang pagkalalaki. no wonder why gay hate, in its primordial state, really stems out FROM the family. ang kailangan nila: pang-unawa at pagmamahal.

alam kong mahirap ang kalagayan mo ngayon mrs J and there's alot of info that needs to be processed. i just hope that deep within ur heart, you can still find the forgiveness and the understanding your dad really needs.

ill pray for you sweetie. =) sana magkita kits tayo nina kiks! =)

mrs.j said...

ruff..

well siguro nga tama ka...
forgiveness... mahirap yan.. in time na lang we'll see...

yah... bet ko! haha... cge just inform me lang okay! SEM BREAK N!

Mugen said...

Naalala ko pag naguusap kaming magkakatropa dati, lagi nilang pinapaalala sakin yung statement ko tungkol sa dad ko.

"ang hirap magpalaki ng ama."

Meron kaming mga bad times. In fact nung mga huling buwan niya sa mundo eh malamig talaga ang relasyon namin. Yun nga lang hindi kami nagkabastusan. Hindi ako mahilig sa confrontation eh.

Pero alam mo dude, sa bandang huli. Pag wala na ang dad mo at ikaw na ang nasa position niya (correction, wala akong anak ah. Padre de pamilya lang sa aking nanay at utol.) Maappreciate mo yung presence niya.

Tama sila, you will miss your father when you're old enough to become one. Magkamali man akong makabuntis

Tangina, bibigay ko lahat para sa anak ko.

mrs.j said...

mr.j

hayaan ko nalang dumating ang time na ako mzmo makakafil nyan...

gorjess said...

pag magpakailanman hehe

mrs.j said...

kaw talga gorjess haha!

Jhed said...

Bakit ngayon ko lang itech nabasa?

Anyway, pasalamat nalang ako kasi okay kami ng tatay ko. Masasabi mo na rin sigurong maswerte ako dahil naiintindihan nila ako.

Siguro, what you can do is to prove him wrong. Prove to him na hindi porket pink ang aura mo e hindi mo na siya kayang bigyan ng apo.. LOL! Joke lang.

Kilala kita Jhey, tatagan mo lang ang loob mo.

Time will come na maiintindihan ka rin ng tatay mo. Wala naman sigurong magulang na kayang tiisin ang anak.

Ingats lagi, Jhey! :)

** PS. Ngayon ko lang nalaman yung sa retreat. Nakakalungkot nga iyon. :(

mrs.j said...

haha! hay nako jhed! plz! haha! of all pipz! kaw pa nakabasa dis is weird! haha!

tagal na yung retreat anu! mhmph!
anyways.. enjoy roxxxanne ha?!

xlinks?!

oboids said...

Sheez, this is one sad story. I don't blame you for getting tired. I actually have a dad. I didn't know he was alive not until I was 8. I first saw him when I was 18. I only saw him once. I don't feel any emotion towards him. No hate, no love, just nothing. I guess I am lucky huh. :p

Well, Do you live with your dad ba? Coz if you do, i think it's high time for you to find a place of your own. If your problems money then find a job first, save enough for 1 month, then find a place. Live the house and don't make yourself suffer emotionally. You dont deserve the pain you feel, leave the house. :p

Kung nde mo alam kung san titira...set up a meeting with your friends..I am sure they'll help you..count me IN na rin. I'll find you a place to stay.

mrs.j said...

oboids..

wala kong masabi.. maraming salamat sa concern m and treating me as ur friend :) salamat..

actually gusto ko rin pero hindi ko maiiwan ang mga kapatid ko... mga bagets pa kasi hehe...at i promised my mom na pagaaralin ko cla at tutulong.. di bali aalis na c pudang pag naggraduate na ako... hehe antay ko lang din! hehe pero i myt find a sariling bahay na pagkagraduate! hehe...sana bago bahay bf muna haha!!

oboids said...

Ahhh ganun ba? That makes it a little complicated.

In case you can't stand the waiting, what you can do is to talk to your brothers and sisters about it, and also to your mom. I am sure she (your mom) will understand your situation. Since you said you need to help your brothers and sisters, then what you can do is to get their account number and just send them money through that account. Make sure you get to talk to them often, and make sure you tell them not to tell dad about the money, dapat sila lang ang makakakuha ng pera and not anyone else - as an ultimatum, tell them that they shouldn't tell anyone about the money, otherwise you will discontinue it (panindak lang, kailangan kasi sa ganitong sitwasyon. tsaka para maging wise din sila sa pera.)

I have that set-up with my sister kasi, I don't live with my family. I've been on my own since 17. And since I wanna help my sister, what I do is to constantly talk to her (we are pretty close) and I had her give me her account number so I can send her money whenever I want to, or when she need it.

Suggestion lang po ito. Watever your decision maybe, susuportahan parin kita. LOL! as for the BF, wag mong masyadong hanapin, darating yan, but you better be in a place where he can find you easily - tip ko. Hehehe! :p

mrs.j said...

oboids..

u r so sweet... vulnerable pa naman ako... di kaya kilala na kita b4? oh friend na kita... hmm baka mya u knw me ha?! pero seriously... hehe i appreciate it... will see graduting nako.. nd i can be free from d harsh elements (elements talga?)
salamat tsong talaga...

nd saan ba dapat pumunta para makita nia ko! hahaha?!

oboids said...

mrs. j. - thank you, I've never really thought of myself as someone sweet. Hahaha! Kupal nga ako eh, LOL! Nope I don't really think you know me, I actually just find this article very interesting, I too share no special relationship with my biological father. And I really think that the line "blood is thicker that water" is just plain crap. People must earn trust and respect, and this principle applies even to my family. My mom and my sister, earned my respect and trust, my dad hasn't!

Graduating ka na? Nice, simula na yan ng independence! Paparty ka, at iinvite mo ako...basta libre pagkain pupunta ako - I'm a freaking cheapskate noh! LOL!

San makikita? would you believe sa library? Joke lang! hangout in gay places, you'll find him there! hehehe!

mrs.j said...

oboids..

kuya talga? at sa librry?

hmmm.. gawain mo noh haha@

o well salamat sa pagbisibisita sa aking abode! tc..

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